Ambivalence Is Normal

💡 Insight

Many people assume that before they can change, they need to be fully, wholeheartedly committed. Then they notice a part of them that still wants to drink, still misses it, still looks for reasons, and they conclude they're not ready — or worse, that they're lying to themselves about wanting to stop.

Psychologists William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, who developed motivational interviewing, see it differently. In their view, ambivalence — wanting two incompatible things at once — is the normal state of someone considering change. It isn't denial or weakness. It's simply what it feels like to be pulled in two directions by real reasons on both sides. The substance did something for you. Stopping will cost something. Of course part of you objects.

The way through isn't to pretend the objecting part doesn't exist. It's to hear both sides out, fully, and notice which reasons matter most to you. People tend to be more persuaded by the reasons they say out loud themselves than by anything someone else argues. You don't need to eliminate the part of you that wants to keep going. You need to let the other part do more of the talking.

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✦ Quote

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

— Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself" (1855)

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◎ Prompt

Make two columns: what using gives you, and what it costs you. Be honest on both sides — the first column is not a confession. Then circle the single item on the page that matters most to you.